For a long time, people made me think I didn’t know what I wanted; and even though it took me a long time, I have finally realized I knew more that they could have ever known.
Let’s say you have a childhood friend… one who decided when you were playing in your backyard –making cakes with mod and leaves – that she would become a chef; or maybe, while you were changing your Barbie’s clothes, she decided she would become a fashion designer, get married, have kids… Just like that. And she did it all… And perhaps you went to her wedding saying, “WTF, I’m happy for you, but WTF”… And that guy playing with his Legos all-day-long? He became an architect, found the perfect annoying beautiful girl, got married, had kids…
“WTF? What can’t I do that? What am I missing?”
I strongly believe that we all know what we are meant to be; we begin to dream about it since we’re kids; we even probably start working hard for it, but then something happens, something that pulls us away … And we forget…
I always remember a thing an ex boyfriend said to me – about me – when I was about 19 years old. We were already apart and, on this particular night, we got together simply to talk by the river shore – the way we used to – about how things were going in our lives; of course, our relationship came up in the conversation, the things we did right and wrong, and he said, “Now I understand that Laly wants to be this one day, and that other thing the next day, and you gotta be ok with that”.
I remember feeling so, so accepted, as if his ‘approval’ of whom I was, was something I needed to be ok with me… Now I think, “What an asshole.”
After entering Law School, when I actually wanted to write and to be an actress, I kept myself in that path, and eventually I even went for more college degrees. Was I happy? My parents were… I was ‘ok’ with it and I enjoyed the learning process and the things I learned; in fact, I enjoyed it so much, that I set myself goals in those fields; for instance, when I became a lawyer, I decided I wouldn’t stop until becoming a judge; when I went for a master’s degree on Department of Defense matters, I thought I wouldn’t stop until becoming the first woman at the great chair.
Setting those goals, made me think I had a path…
However, while I was in class learning how to make a budget for the Department of Defense, I was also thinking about that new drama school in my neighborhood.
This and that…
Over the years I thought, “I can do both! I can be a lawyer and write as well!; I can be this and that! Why not? If I manage to have the time, why can’t I be both?”
Well girl… You can’t… You can’t because you don’t want to be this and that: you want to be ‘this’.
I’m eager for learning about so many different things; I would love to get a degree on psychology for instance; I would love to learn more about the human brain, animals anatomy, human evolution, how to cook, how to keep my plants alive! But these are things I want to know about; these things are not related with who I want to be. I am – and I always was – what I want and what I’ve always wanted to be: a writer.
… But I couldn’t do it when I wanted to… And that train they put me into, never stopped to give me the chance to say, “Writing! Acting! That’s my station! Let me get off!”
Not so long ago, a cousin of mine came home for dinner, and she told me about a student of hers, and how she helped him to find his path. This boy is an amazing cartoonist, but he kept getting into trouble with the rest of his classmates; so she gave him a book to read, with a cute story:
“One day a duck found an egg, and she took care of it and raised the little creature with the rest of her ducklings; this particular duckling, spent all of his life looking at the sky and to the big birds flying over him, wishing he could do that: spread his wings and fly… But no one in his family had those kinds of wings, so he lived like that way: wishing to be something else.
Turns out that this duckling was actually a flying bird, and that if he had shaken his wings – even a little bit – he’d found out that he was actually born to fly.”
So, what do you want to do? Who do you want to be? It’s in your guts. You know it! Feel it, embrace it, and spread your wings and fly. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Allow yourself, at least, to try, shake your wings and try.
You can’t find the time? Do me a favor: find a grandma or grandpa (if they’re yours, better yet!) and tell them: ‘I can’t find the time to follow my dreams; I need to keep this job, I need to blah blah’… Trust me: they’ll put you in your path with a – caring and loving – kick in your ass.
If you find yourself in this position, where you wish you were doing something else: go for it. I know sometimes life doesn’t help… It happened to me… Right now, I have no income: none; but hey… I’m flying without wings! Finally!
… So please, please don’t give up… Don’t you dare giving up … You and all the people you love, will be happy if you are happy… and one is happy when is in the path of being what we are meant to be. The world needs you; the world needs your cakes, your writing, your painting; the world needs you doing what you know best: you have a job, so do it!
What your guts are telling you to do, that is the truth about you. You were designed especially for you…
Would you plug a lamp where the sun is always shining? Its light would get lost… Plug it where its light is going to make a difference.
My cousin’s student, by the way… He got the message.
Originally posted at 43street.wordpress.com, Aug 28, 2016, for Discovery Challenge.